Bad Apples

Hi duckies!  I hope everything is awesome on your end.  I know I'm just doing swell.  As you know last week was my first complete week in my department: Bridal & Gift Registry.

Every one of my co-workers, even those who aren't in my department keep asking me the same question:

"Antoine, how do you feel about Bridal so far?"

And my answer is always the same:

"I feel like such a dweeb...because I absolutely love it."

My department stands out from the rest because everything is so pristine and looks so formal.  In addition, the dress code for my department is a little more...dressy.  I wish you could see the outfits I wear to work; sometimes I even dazzle myself with the coordination and colorful ensembles I can pull off.

(Just an example of my everyday work clothes.  I wore gray slacks and brown suede Calvin Klein with this ensemble.)

One of the things I love most about my job is I pretty much dress like this everyday so when asked during my interview if being "dressed-up" would be hassle I told them that the necktie is my favorite accessory.  Besides being fully naked, I feel most comfortable in a suit and tie.

Oh!  On my way to work one day I was starving and I happened to be passing a farmer's market.  So I decided to buy the cheapest thing because that's what you do when you're 1) starving 2) rushing to work 3) and don't wanna be molested by someone's Great Dane at a Farmer's Market.

The cheapest thing happened to be one red delicious apple, which happens to be my absolute favorite apple.  It's just something about the crispness of each bite and sweetness of its core that entices my taste buds.

Anywho, I'm rushing to work and eating my apple when this black dude was trying to sell his Hip-Hop/Rap album. He turns and says to me:

"If you love apples, I'll guarantee you'll love my album."

I couldn't help myself from laughing, but I quickly retorted with, "Nothing's more 'gangsta' than an apple!" before resuming with my rushing.

Speaking of apples, I ran into some bad ones on the train last night.  On my way home from work last night a mother came onto the train with four little children and they seemed so angelic.  They were these cute little black kids that seemed so full of energy: one boy came onto the train jumping like a little kangaroo, the only girl came into the train car laughing, one eagerly turned in his seat--onto his knees--to look at the bypassing trains, and the other one desperately needed a Kleenex.  I mean this boy's nose was running faster than a Kenyan.

I was reading David Sedaris' "Me Talk Pretty One Day," (he's one of my absolute favorite authors, check him out), and I had my headphones in my ears, meaning I was dead to the world.  However, these angelic little children caught my attention with their not-so-angelic antics.

It takes a lot for me to be constantly distracted from a book, especially anything written by David Sedaris.  The smiles and turning in their seats from the little angels quickly turned into screaming and swinging around poles.  The girl was sitting next to a very handsome Caucasian man, must have been in his late 20's or early 30's, who was bewitched by the children's initial charm but was quickly dismayed when the young girl decided to use his leg as an arm rest.  This must have been incredibly awkward for the man because I obviously saw his body tense and he was squirming so the little girl would get the hint and remove her elbow from his mid-thigh.  Eventually the man got off the train and didn't have to suffer the tyranny of the children.  The others kids were hitting each other and running throughout the train car and were knocking into people, without saying a thing, and while all of this was happening the mother did nothing but bop her head to her music...for the most part.

She hit the one with the snotty nose because he seemed to be the gremlin of the group.  I could just feel the "bad" emitting from his little frame, as he sat directly across from me mouthing words that made snot fall into his mouth.  He didn't deserve a napkin though.  He kept taunting the mother was an empty Easter basket, tapping her with it until she snapped and hit him.  And he would just laugh and start the process again.  I was so distracted from reading that I had to go to the other side of the car so I could try my best to finish the current chapter before I had to get off the train.  But with my luck the kids were like watching an embarrassing car crash.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of them.

I don't know if it was the little girl dropping it like it was hot or the boys rolling on the floor but I felt sorry for the mother because everyone kept looking at one another, myself included, thinking, "How the fuck does she live with these pack of demons?"

Fortunately enough the pack of demons and negligent mother exited the train before I had to so I was able to finish my daily reading without further distraction.

In other news, have I mentioned how much I love my job?  Like I really love it!  I escorted my first couple around my store yesterday and they were such a delight.  We walked around for close to two hours and it was fabulous.  I really built a relationship with the couple and it was actually easier than I was told it would be.  Yes, some things I still need to brush up on, like where certain things are in the store LOL, but I did well for the most part.

I also did my first housewarming registry as well, and that went swimmingly.  I think this department is exactly what I've been looking for because I love everything about it so far.  Some of my co-workers told me it can get a little crazy with couples sometimes...but I'm so ready for it.  I've been through fire and ice and I'm still kicking.

Last night I had to close the stores with one of the best consultants and I asked her honest opinion of my work ethic so far and she said, "I think I may have some competition."

My voice got so high when I said "Thank you," to her and I was absolutely floored.  I found it to be such high praise coming from her because she is incredible at her job and I idolize her commitment to the department.  She does so much for the company and I just want to thank her.  Thank you Milagros!  You are an angel and a shining star that never quits.

Okay duckies, I've said enough for the moment.  Let's get to some Words of Wisdom.

"A winner never quits and a quitter never wins.  If you believe in what you do, then approval should be the least of your worries.  Just start doing what you love and focus on the end result because if you do that the journey will be twice as fun."

I think it's time for a Word of the Week.

This word of the week is:

Fun-sucker (pronounced phun-suh-cer): one who enjoys destroying the jovial side of things; a person who never sees the silver lining; a pessimist.

Example: "Oh honey, you better not invite George to your anniversary party.  He's going through a terrible divorce and he can be a real fun-sucker at celebratory events."

OMG!  I forgot to mention that I went to see "Jurassic Park" in IMAX 3D this past Saturday...and it made me love the film even more, which I didn't think was possible.  The sound was incredible.  The picture clarity was astonishing and I cannot wait for the rumored "Jurassic Park 4" that's said to come out next year.

Okay my loves.  I want to go have some fun and get crazy with my sexy friends.  It's going to be a beautiful night.

Have a wonderful week my loves. 

I love you for reading.

-Gabriel Anderson

"Use 'Em & Lose 'Em"

Salutations my beautiful readers.  I hope you duckies are all doing well because life is just fantastic on this end.  Oh!  Happy Belated Easter/Zombie Jesus Day to you all!

(To all my devout followers who believe in Jesus, I am just joking.  I make jokes.  You'll get over it.)

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I'm attracted to men; however, I don't like them very much.  Yes, I've loved men in the past and have formed some intense and very delightful relationships with them.  But they have never been long-lasting or that entertaining.

I've really been thinking about this as of late and it's starting to make sense.  Maybe I'm just thinking too hard about the assholes that have betrayed me because I was watching "The Greatest Story Ever Told," yesterday.  (For those who aren't familiar with this particular film it's about Jesus and his life.  Very religious.)

In pretty much all of my relationships I have dated a "Judas," a betrayer.  Either they turned out to be emotionally or verbally abusive, bat-shit bonkers, or they decided that "messing around with guys" was just a phase.  Regardless of the reason I've always been left alone wondering what I did wrong in the relationship; but when I look at my relationships, I was always the good guy.

I would be the one compromising or the one forgiving them for calling me out of my name.  I think I'm just too nice and welcoming.  One of my faults is I tend to believe words rather than actions and I fall hard and fast.

I think the best thing for me is to get my life in order and not worry about love at the moment.  

Years ago, I heard someone say this in an interview and I was floored at why she would say such a thing.  Lady GaGa was being interviewed by Jay Leno--while I was in college--and he asked if she was dating or currently courting anyone.  Her answer was "I don't really worry about things like love anymore."  Hearing this then made me think she was some talented loon who must have been too busy to entertain the idea of a relationship.

Years later she came out with the song "Judas" and she got so much heat for it because it came off as blasphemous.  However, I love Lady GaGa so I'm biased when it comes to her; ergo, I loved the song LOL.  However, her explanation was quite riveting.  She elaborated that the biblical reference rang true to her own life because she had been a quite a few relationships with guys who were gentlemen at first but then betrayed her when she needed them the most.

So now I believe love isn't in the cards for me right now.  I won't object the idea of it, but looking for it is totally out of the question.

I just got inspired to give you a new Word of the Week.

Judasarian (pronounced joo-dis-sar-ee-an): betrayer; faulty person; one who leaves in the hour of need.

Example: "A friend who leaves you alone, in the middle of a fight because they're afraid, is a Judasarian."

Speaking of Judasarians, let me tell you about this guy I met about a week ago.  His name is ZaMorrie.  Yup, that's his real name.  I don't care if he reads this because what he did was incredibly treacherous.  

We were talking for a couple days and we planned on hooking up eventually.  Well this past Saturday night after I got home from work he texts me, drunk, and wanted me to come over to fuck him.  I, being the hornball I am, will hardly turn down any opportunity to have sex with attractive men (soon to be women...shhhh you didn't hear that) decided I would try my best to get over there.  Unfortunately for me, I only had one fare ($2.50) on my Metrocard.

I was in luck though because ZaMorrie told me that he would put me back on the train with no problem.  Duckies, I have never let my house without having a fare to get back home.  Anywho, I get to his place a little after 9 PM and we start watching a marathon of one of my favorite shows, "Guy Code," on MTV2.

Eventually we start making out and I loooooved making out with him because he smokes cigarettes.  I miss the taste of cigarettes on my tongue and having it back in my mouth on top of the pleasure from a kiss was like fireworks.

(Oh for those who don't know I stopped smoking cigarettes about 3 months ago!)

(As of April 1, 2013 at 6:25 PM this is my actual "quitting" progress.")

Moving along, we had sex like twice that night.  I practically fucked his brains out for hours, don't know how I did it, but I did LOL.  He tells me "Omg, that was amazing. Blah-blah-blah," which it was.  I enjoyed myself very much LOL. So we end up talking for a bit and go to bed around 4AM.  We wake up around 11AM entangled in each other's limbs, snuggling.

We get dressed and start heading toward the train station.  When we get past the front gate of his apartment building, he stops and says: "Shit, I forgot my wallet.  I can't help you out without that.  I'll be right back."

I'm like: "Cool.  I'll be down here waiting."

TEN MINUTES LATER...still no ZaMorrie.  Thinking he really can't find his wallet I shoot him a text, jokingly, saying: "Did you just ditch me? LOL."

An additional five minutes past and still no ZaMorrie.

Some dude in a suit comes out of the main door and let's me in because he obviously sees that I'm waiting for someone.  I go up the three flights to ZaMorrie's apartment and ring the doorbell.

I hear movement toward the door and then it stops.  He lives with his sister and I assume she was about to open the door because right before she could turn the handle he says:

"Don't open it!  That's him."

Then I heard the peephole open and close. Then I heard nothing else.

So basically ZaMorrie--I'll be nice enough not to share his last name--turned out to be a great big asshole in disguise.

Luckily for me I was only a good forty-five minutes WALK away from my house, so I made it home safely.  But what if I didn't know how to get home?  He would really use me and ditch me like that, after being such a "gentleman?"  Guys like ZaMorrie give men, gay and straight, a bad name.  Oh and if you're reading this, I don't feel bad now that your ex-husband cheated on you during your 10-year marriage by throwing sex parties with his friends.

Oh no, did I just tell the world that?  Oh well...

In other news, remember that cute dude I was talking to you about who is currently trying to end it with his boyfriend?  Well one of my predictions were right.  The day after I posted about him I had a conversation with him and he told me that after this relationship he's going to enjoy the single life for quite a bit.

Honestly, I don't blame him because being in a relationship is a full-time job.  And with the gay assholes running rampant in New York City (and Atlanta aka gay mecca) true love is a hard thing to come by.  But I'm going to keep on doing what I do best: being fabulous, sassy, and classy.

Speaking of classy, my friend Dave is one-sixth of this awesome band called "The Hunting Party," and they're having a concert this Friday, April 5th, 2013 at 8pm.  Click here to learn more about the band and hear their music and click here to learn more about the event.  

Unfortunately I won't be able to jam with them because my uncle's birthday is this Friday and he never celebrates it...but this year he wants to go to Johnny Utah's.  Plus I don't get off work on Friday until 8pm and I wouldn't wanna miss a minute of The Hunting Party's awesomeness.  Go and check them out this Friday.  You won't be disappointed!

I've spoken enough.  Let's get to some Words of Wisdom.

"Success isn't about where you are now, it's about what you're doing to get what you want later.  Success doesn't happen overnight but when it does it happens because you've paid your dues and you've fought for it.  Don't ever quit dreaming."

Okay my loves, tomorrow is my first official day as a Bridal Registry Consultant.  The last two weeks were just basic training.  Now I finally get to be in my pristine department.  Yay!

I love you for reading.  Have a fabulous week duckies!

-Gabriel Anderson