Sunday, April 5, 2009

Gabriel's Confessions

Hey duckies. Before I get into the juicy details of my life, I just want to let you know (again) that I'm hosting tomorrow night's Poetry Slam and Open Mic.

The Poetry Slam takes place April 6th (tomorrow!!!) @ 7:30PM @ Hawk's Nest. This poetry slam is closed; only those who participated in the preliminary round can compete. However, immediately following the Poetry Slam--around 9PM--there will be an Open Mic session. Bring your friends, family and yourself. Get some food and be merry. Bring your talent and show the world what you got! (I better see you there duckies!)
Anywho, this weekend was a blur, an absolute blur. I was having so much fun this weekend with so many people I love. But I noticed some of my people-friends have been down & out recently. They've been complaining about stress and responsibility and when I give them advice they think I don't understand. Duckies, it's time for some confessions.

I wasn't always happy with my life. There was a point where I actually hated myself.
When I was fourteen I couldn't stand being myself: I hated myself for being gay, for being overweight, for everything. I was the mean kid in school because I wanted people to feel how I felt behind my cruel smile. Years progressed and I still hated my life.

When I was seventeen I was on the Atkins Diet (it's a quick fix diet and a death trap) and I lost soooo much weight. I was a twig. I was getting attention from everyone and I was constantly being flooded with compliments about my weight loss.
Well soon thereafter, the diet stopped working and I stopped losing weight; my body started stabilizing my weight. I wanted to lose more because I wanted to be even skinnier. Sadly enough, I turned to bulimia to fix this.

I only did this for a month...but I lost almost 15 pounds (and my face fat) from gagging food out of my system. I only stopped throwing up because I thought my parents knew I was and I couldn't believe I had gone this far for superficial beauty. (But who doesn't strive for thinness nowadays?!) Oh and my parents didn't know--I told them when I got to college that I used to be.

I wanted to be skinny because all of the hot gay friends I had were skinny; I wouldn't allow myself to be the fat gay friend. And since I couldn't get any skinner I hated being gay. But I really hated being gay because I was afraid of how my parents would look at me afterwards. I am the grandson of the pastor of my church...I can't be gay. It isn't allowed.

When I got to college I was finally able to be myself: fun, out-going, loving, spontaneous, loud, It wasn't until my sophomore year in college that I "came out" to my parents. I mailed them a letter, telling them I was gay and how much it eats my up inside that I couldn't be the straight son all parents want.

Luckily for me my parents took the news well and my Mom left me a voicemail on my phone--immediately after she opening the letter--saying:

"You're so gay (laughing on the phone). I had a feeling you were gay but I didn't want to push the issue. But I want you to know that I love you. You're my son and I will always love you."

I cried when I heard her voicemail. All the weight of the years self-loathing finally removed itself from my life. I started loving myself before that moment but after knowing my parents (and Gabriella) loved me for me...I finally felt free from myself. I stopped letting others determine the love I had for myself because I'm the one who has to deal with myself everyday. Why should I hate someone as beautiful as me?

I don't know where I'd be without these beautiful people. I love them more than love itself. (Of course I love my other family members...but these three are my rocks.)
I am now in love and married to myself lol. I can't get enough of my everything. But it's not a conceited or arrogant love: I just love everything about me, even my imperfections. I appreciate life so much. It's so precious and too fast to spend every minute hating yourself. I love my life.
Thank you for letting me share this with you duckies. I wanted to share that part of my life with you because I want you to know that life is incredibly beautiful. But it's only as beautiful as you make it.

(I can't hold it back any longer) Let's get to some "Words of Wisdom."

"No matter how deep the stakes are, there is always a way out. Love your life like it's never been loved before. Appreciate your imperfections because they make you what you are today. If anyone gives you $hit because you're being yourself, it's only because they envy your contentment. People hate what they envy and they envy because they can't get what they want or want to be. Don't let anyone stop you from loving life...even if it's yourself."
As said before this weekend was a blur.

I hung out with Matt, Haley, Tracie and Lauren on Friday night. We played improvisation games, Catch Phrase and had a great time. But on our way to the Village Market, Matt picked up a rock and chucked it at the pond next to it. It made a loud splash...followed by the cries of ducks!

If you ever see Matt with a rock in his hand, smack it to the ground. He's a duck murderer. LOL...jk. Love you duckie!
Also, it's always a pleasure to be around Lauren because she's so upbeat and amazing to be around. We cracked jokes the entire night and couldn't get enough. Love you duckie!
Haley...knaptime. ('nuff said lol). I love you.
OH! I went through the housing selection process for next year's rooming assignments. As stated in an earlier post Garrett, Josh & I will be living together. We didn't snatch a room where we anticipated but we're happy. (We wanted Nate, our present suitemate, to live with us next year and he bailed on us. At first he said yes but he bailed on us this past Thursday, telling us he promised to live with other people. He sucks at life...the end! lol)

But I'm so happy I'm living with Josh and Garrett because they're two amazing individuals. There isn't a dull moment when we hang out...and I am not exaggerating. This weekend we played "Street Fighter 4" all day, probably more than 8 hours straight.

Believe it or not, we enjoyed every second of it. We were cracking jokes and kicking each other's a$$. It was a great weekend.

In other news, one of Graham's friends, Jay, came up on Friday, to stay the weekend. I am in love with kid: it is such a delight to be in his presence and he is extremely generous. He is so fun, positive and A-list. Not too long ago Roger, Graham and I took him to the bus station--thank you Graham for driving--and he is now on his way back to New York.

This is such a long post lol.
Before I go I'd like to thank Rockstar, Jordan, Alyssa, Kendra, Diamond, Monica, Graham, Jay, Roger, Josh, Garett and everyone else I'm forgetting for making this a spectacular weekend. I love you all dearly.
I wish you the best of happiness. Stay true duckies.
Live, love & Lady Gaga
Gabriel Anderson