Evil Laughter

How's it going my darling duckies? I hope know everything is smashing on your end.  This past week has been so fun that...I can hardly remember it actually LOL.  I guess I had too much fun partying and laughing.

Speaking of laughing, I saw "EVIL DEAD" this past Thursday with my friend Jessie.  I thought I was gonna be scared shitless after seeing it, like how I was after seeing "Insidious," (which still scares me.)*

*(Even while posting this picture and writing on it I can't look at that demon without shaking.  If you wanna be scared, watch "Insidious.")

Anywho, back to what I was saying...oh right!  

"EVIL DEAD" is probably one of the funniest horror movies I've ever seen.  There were times in the movie where I would be laughing so loud and abruptly that I would have been embarrassed...if I hadn't been buzzed/well-and-tipsy at the time.  (I'll go more into that later.)

OMG! I just invented a Word of the Week on the spot.

Well-and-tipsy aka W.A.T. (prononucned whel-aend-tehp-see): intoxicated on a functional level; buzzed; a little drunk

Example: "Mom get off my back.  I only had like four beers.  I'm just well-and-tipsy."

(Okay back to the movie!)

There was this one line in the movie where I couldn't stop laughing for a good four minutes: I'm not exaggerating in the least.  For those who have seen the movie I'm referring to the part where--I won't give away too much detailing for those who haven't seen it but want to--the brother was looking down and talking to his possessed sister.  One of the lines she said to him was hilarious.  There was a point where I couldn't breathe and I was crying because the line was just that funny.  Reciting it aloud, even now, makes me giggle.  I was laughing for so long that people were laughing at me because I couldn't stop laughing.  I seriously had to compose myself in order to pay attention to the rest of the movie.

Even though there are some very scary and jumpy parts in the movie, I found it to be the funniest (serious) horror movie I've ever seen.  I can't wait to get it on DVD.

To rewind a bit, before Jessie and I went to see "EVIL DEAD" she and I went out to get a bite to eat and to get some drinks.  We stopped at this cute Thai and Asian restaurant called Cafetasia, in Greenwich Village for their wonderful happy hour special.  Jessie and I had been there before, but on separate occasions.  Jessie introduced me to her favorite dish: the Crispy Fillet of Flounder.  Oh my sweet baby Jesus in a onesie!

The fish was so fresh that I swear they just caught it right when I ordered the flounder.  It was so much food too that I couldn't even finish it.  And it was only $12!  In addition to our lovely meal, we had a few drinks and we got this thing called a "Rainbow Shot."

Isn't it so pretty?!

Then after dinner we went to watch "EVIL DEAD."  Then we went to Jessie's house, where our friend Tess met us.  We basically hung out and laughed some more.  I tried showing them Louis C.K.'s comedy stand-up special "Oh My God," but the connection to HBO GO was more like HBO-OH-HELL-NO!

The next day, Friday, I went to work and had a fabulous time as usual.  I had my first same-sex couple and it was an absolute honor to help them.  Having the right to marry the one you love, in the face of oppression and ignorance, is a very brave and empowering act.  I wish you both well and I look forward to having you two come back.

That night my school, University of Hartford, was throwing an event at SideBar down in Union Square in the city; which happens to be less than 10 blocks away from my job.  So I went there and saw so many of my dear friends from school...and made some new ones too.  We drank and chatted about our new lives post-Hartford.  

Oh!  While we were at the bar they were about to catch the second suspect in the Boston marathon bombing and when they found him the bar started screaming and applauding.  Then I knew it was chance to start a chant.  So I immediately put my fist in the air and started chanting: USA! USA! USA!  And I don't know how but everyone in the bar joined in and it was so unifying and hysterical.

(I can now scratch "Start a USA chant" off my bucket list.)

Following the alumni event the gay alumni and I went to this bar/club/lounge called Therapy in Hell's Kitchen.    I had never been there but I loved it because I wanted to dance.  I danced so hard, dipped so low, popped it, backed it up, "salsa-ed," lip-synced, and turned their little stage into a showcase for my stellar dance moves.  I asked the DJ to play "Single Ladies" because I was in rare form that night but he didn't.  As a consolation he played "Get Me Bodied" and I killed that, even though it had been years since my last performance. LOL So full of myself.

When leaving I ran into my friend Alex, which was so random but delightful all at once.  We chatted for a bit but then I had to head home because I had to nurse a hangover in the morning before work.

Other than that nothing much happened.  Now I feel like I'm 60 because thanks to being a dancehall queen at Therapy my legs are incredibly sore.  Walking down stairs is like dying every two seconds.  I can't go down stairs without squeezing the life out of the banister.  And when I walk I'm sure it looks like I'm smuggling diamonds up my asshole.

But I think I've said enough.  I believe it's time for some Words of Wisdom.

"Common courtesy is not as common as you think.  A simple 'please' or 'thank you' can actually lift the spirits of many.  Respect is earned but cordiality should be a given.  Smile at a stranger.  Hold a door for someone behind you.  Give credit where it's due.  You never know who's watching and how far a little deed can take you."

Okay my loves I gotta go eat and then take everything out of my room.  A contractor is coming this week and is putting down new flooring in my room, as well as replacing my door and threshold.  So much! Grrrrr LOL.

I hope you have a magical week.

I love you for reading.

Stay classy.  Stay sassy.

-Gabriel Anderson

Dodging Balls

Hey my loves!  I know you all are doing well because life is meant to be lived in happiness, not in strife.  This week has been pretty eventful.  Last week I remember mentioning going to my friend's house to hang out.  We did some adult things--not sex, silly duckies--and we watched episodes of "Family Guy."  The last time I saw them was around my birthday and by birthday I mean the day of my 24th year on Earth, where I was throwing up in an ex-friend's backyard.

Oh yes!  I have dismissed someone of my friendship this week.  I'm not going to lie and say he wasn't a friend to me at certain points...but he has become such a miserable and disrespectful person.  I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with sometimes but this dude was always a downer.  He'd always take things so personal and swore he was some type of gangsta.  I'm sorry but we both we to the same performing arts school from 5th to 12th grade.  If you know pieces by Schubert, Bach, Beethoven  and contemporary composers by heart, you're no one's gangsta.

Plus his lifestyle wasn't much of anything credible and he didn't seem to mind it.  He wasn't trying to better his life.  He would just wallow and smoke away his problems and complain, complain, complain.  So one thing led to another and we got into a verbal altercation via text and we ended our friendship.  Honestly, he was just a decent connect for "okay" weed.  But I do wish him well...

You know the saying, "When one door closes, another one opens?"  Well, it's ridiculous how doors open for me when I close others.  When I got off work this past Saturday my phone was dying but I was trying to call my friends to see if they wanted to hang out.  The few people I did call to hang out didn't pick up.  (Yes if you received a call from me Saturday night and you didn't pick up, you are now a cunt in my book; especially if you haven't returned my call yet.)

Anywho, no one picked up so I decided to head home.  As I was in about to go to the lower level of the train station, I noticed someone's bright neon jacket...and saw that it was my friend Jessie that I haven't seen in close to two years!  She was running for the train and totally didn't even see me so I ran behind her and when I got on the train I tapped her on the shoulder.  She turned around and her face lit up faster than flash cotton in a grease fire!

She couldn't believe it was me and she kept telling me "I'm going to embarrass you on this train!"  I was just so happy to see her that I don't even think I had time to be embarrassed.  I told her I was just getting off work and I told her I wanted to do something...AND SHE INVITED ME OVER!  

We spent the night gossiping, laughing, and just loving each other.  It was magical!

In less than twenty-four hours I got rid of one disrespectful, anger-filled reject and replaced him with an angelic, beautiful, and vivacious lady.

Since we're on the topic of vivacity, I'm gonna tell you what happened to me today.  Well I had to stop by my psychiatrist's office to pick up a prescription--only the best for Gabe--and on my way home a young boy got on the train.  He seemed nice...until he started dribbling/bouncing his basketball on the train.  Everyone was looking at him like he had grown three heads and they had every right.  This little Hispanic kid kept dribbling his ball until he got a seat and then he stopped to eat a gold-wrapped chocolate coin. (Yes I just pulled out the race umbrella, but remember I did talk about those bad-ass black kids last week.)

I thought his antics were over but after resting and stuffing his face with his gold-wrapped chocolate coin, he cringes up the foil, tosses it under the seat, and starts acting as if the train car is his own personal gym.  He became the superhero Flash, well he tried.  He was using people as "prop players" by "breaking" them and pump-faking in their faces and he used the poles as training posts to maneuver around.  He got really close to me and I was hoping he'd just trip or topple over...but instead his basketball fell on one of my pink Polo sneakers.

Before recovering his ball, he looked me in the face and said "I'm so sorry."  This little boy looked like he was about to shit his shorts but that didn't stop me from hating him and glaring at him behind my Ray-Bans.  I wanted to say something, to speak for my fellow public transportation patrons.  But everything that came to mind would make me look like the new bad guy or it ended with me in jail.  So I didn't say anything and he took that as his cue to escape.  But for the rest of my train ride he made sure to stay away from my side of the car.

In other news, I still love my job and pretty much love it even more now.  I had the cutest couple come in and we spent close to four hours walking around and adding gifts to their registry.  They are so sweet and I wish them the best life together.  Their love is the love that inspires me to wait for the right one and to stop forcing people into someone I think might be right for me.  Love doesn't come prepackaged and handed to you.  Love is like making the perfect batch of brownies.  It doesn't come to you when you force it.  It comes when you pay attention to detail and accept the ingredients into your life.  After mixing them with knowledgeable experience, then you can put that bad boy in the oven and you'll know exactly when it's ready...or you can burn the house down too.

What the fuck am I blabbering about?  I'm tired LOL.  Let's get to this week's Word of the Week. 

Marriable (pronounced mae-ree-uh-bul): eligible to partake in matrimony; one who is a bachelor or bachelorette; a single person.

Ex: "Gabe, that girl over there is so hot.  You think I can get her number?"

"You can try but by the ring on her finger, it doesn't look like she's marriable."

Now it's time for some Words of Wisdom.

"Only the boring get bored.  But if you do become bored exit your comfort zone and try something new.  Make today more interesting than yesterday and make tomorrow a promise.  Live life like a flamboyant ninja."

I'm so excited for this week.  With my new check I'll be able to pay off my gym membership from last year and start a new one because ain't nobody got time for fat! (I stole that from my friend Tracie and Sweet Brown.)  And there's an event for school's alumni to come meet up and drink in the city...AND IT'S FOUR BLOCKS AWAY FROM MY JOB! MADNESS!

I think I've said enough for this week's post.

Have a fabulous week and keep it sassy.

I love you for reading!

-Gabriel Anderson

Bad Apples

Hi duckies!  I hope everything is awesome on your end.  I know I'm just doing swell.  As you know last week was my first complete week in my department: Bridal & Gift Registry.

Every one of my co-workers, even those who aren't in my department keep asking me the same question:

"Antoine, how do you feel about Bridal so far?"

And my answer is always the same:

"I feel like such a dweeb...because I absolutely love it."

My department stands out from the rest because everything is so pristine and looks so formal.  In addition, the dress code for my department is a little more...dressy.  I wish you could see the outfits I wear to work; sometimes I even dazzle myself with the coordination and colorful ensembles I can pull off.

(Just an example of my everyday work clothes.  I wore gray slacks and brown suede Calvin Klein with this ensemble.)

One of the things I love most about my job is I pretty much dress like this everyday so when asked during my interview if being "dressed-up" would be hassle I told them that the necktie is my favorite accessory.  Besides being fully naked, I feel most comfortable in a suit and tie.

Oh!  On my way to work one day I was starving and I happened to be passing a farmer's market.  So I decided to buy the cheapest thing because that's what you do when you're 1) starving 2) rushing to work 3) and don't wanna be molested by someone's Great Dane at a Farmer's Market.

The cheapest thing happened to be one red delicious apple, which happens to be my absolute favorite apple.  It's just something about the crispness of each bite and sweetness of its core that entices my taste buds.

Anywho, I'm rushing to work and eating my apple when this black dude was trying to sell his Hip-Hop/Rap album. He turns and says to me:

"If you love apples, I'll guarantee you'll love my album."

I couldn't help myself from laughing, but I quickly retorted with, "Nothing's more 'gangsta' than an apple!" before resuming with my rushing.

Speaking of apples, I ran into some bad ones on the train last night.  On my way home from work last night a mother came onto the train with four little children and they seemed so angelic.  They were these cute little black kids that seemed so full of energy: one boy came onto the train jumping like a little kangaroo, the only girl came into the train car laughing, one eagerly turned in his seat--onto his knees--to look at the bypassing trains, and the other one desperately needed a Kleenex.  I mean this boy's nose was running faster than a Kenyan.

I was reading David Sedaris' "Me Talk Pretty One Day," (he's one of my absolute favorite authors, check him out), and I had my headphones in my ears, meaning I was dead to the world.  However, these angelic little children caught my attention with their not-so-angelic antics.

It takes a lot for me to be constantly distracted from a book, especially anything written by David Sedaris.  The smiles and turning in their seats from the little angels quickly turned into screaming and swinging around poles.  The girl was sitting next to a very handsome Caucasian man, must have been in his late 20's or early 30's, who was bewitched by the children's initial charm but was quickly dismayed when the young girl decided to use his leg as an arm rest.  This must have been incredibly awkward for the man because I obviously saw his body tense and he was squirming so the little girl would get the hint and remove her elbow from his mid-thigh.  Eventually the man got off the train and didn't have to suffer the tyranny of the children.  The others kids were hitting each other and running throughout the train car and were knocking into people, without saying a thing, and while all of this was happening the mother did nothing but bop her head to her music...for the most part.

She hit the one with the snotty nose because he seemed to be the gremlin of the group.  I could just feel the "bad" emitting from his little frame, as he sat directly across from me mouthing words that made snot fall into his mouth.  He didn't deserve a napkin though.  He kept taunting the mother was an empty Easter basket, tapping her with it until she snapped and hit him.  And he would just laugh and start the process again.  I was so distracted from reading that I had to go to the other side of the car so I could try my best to finish the current chapter before I had to get off the train.  But with my luck the kids were like watching an embarrassing car crash.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of them.

I don't know if it was the little girl dropping it like it was hot or the boys rolling on the floor but I felt sorry for the mother because everyone kept looking at one another, myself included, thinking, "How the fuck does she live with these pack of demons?"

Fortunately enough the pack of demons and negligent mother exited the train before I had to so I was able to finish my daily reading without further distraction.

In other news, have I mentioned how much I love my job?  Like I really love it!  I escorted my first couple around my store yesterday and they were such a delight.  We walked around for close to two hours and it was fabulous.  I really built a relationship with the couple and it was actually easier than I was told it would be.  Yes, some things I still need to brush up on, like where certain things are in the store LOL, but I did well for the most part.

I also did my first housewarming registry as well, and that went swimmingly.  I think this department is exactly what I've been looking for because I love everything about it so far.  Some of my co-workers told me it can get a little crazy with couples sometimes...but I'm so ready for it.  I've been through fire and ice and I'm still kicking.

Last night I had to close the stores with one of the best consultants and I asked her honest opinion of my work ethic so far and she said, "I think I may have some competition."

My voice got so high when I said "Thank you," to her and I was absolutely floored.  I found it to be such high praise coming from her because she is incredible at her job and I idolize her commitment to the department.  She does so much for the company and I just want to thank her.  Thank you Milagros!  You are an angel and a shining star that never quits.

Okay duckies, I've said enough for the moment.  Let's get to some Words of Wisdom.

"A winner never quits and a quitter never wins.  If you believe in what you do, then approval should be the least of your worries.  Just start doing what you love and focus on the end result because if you do that the journey will be twice as fun."

I think it's time for a Word of the Week.

This word of the week is:

Fun-sucker (pronounced phun-suh-cer): one who enjoys destroying the jovial side of things; a person who never sees the silver lining; a pessimist.

Example: "Oh honey, you better not invite George to your anniversary party.  He's going through a terrible divorce and he can be a real fun-sucker at celebratory events."

OMG!  I forgot to mention that I went to see "Jurassic Park" in IMAX 3D this past Saturday...and it made me love the film even more, which I didn't think was possible.  The sound was incredible.  The picture clarity was astonishing and I cannot wait for the rumored "Jurassic Park 4" that's said to come out next year.

Okay my loves.  I want to go have some fun and get crazy with my sexy friends.  It's going to be a beautiful night.

Have a wonderful week my loves. 

I love you for reading.

-Gabriel Anderson

"Use 'Em & Lose 'Em"

Salutations my beautiful readers.  I hope you duckies are all doing well because life is just fantastic on this end.  Oh!  Happy Belated Easter/Zombie Jesus Day to you all!

(To all my devout followers who believe in Jesus, I am just joking.  I make jokes.  You'll get over it.)

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I'm attracted to men; however, I don't like them very much.  Yes, I've loved men in the past and have formed some intense and very delightful relationships with them.  But they have never been long-lasting or that entertaining.

I've really been thinking about this as of late and it's starting to make sense.  Maybe I'm just thinking too hard about the assholes that have betrayed me because I was watching "The Greatest Story Ever Told," yesterday.  (For those who aren't familiar with this particular film it's about Jesus and his life.  Very religious.)

In pretty much all of my relationships I have dated a "Judas," a betrayer.  Either they turned out to be emotionally or verbally abusive, bat-shit bonkers, or they decided that "messing around with guys" was just a phase.  Regardless of the reason I've always been left alone wondering what I did wrong in the relationship; but when I look at my relationships, I was always the good guy.

I would be the one compromising or the one forgiving them for calling me out of my name.  I think I'm just too nice and welcoming.  One of my faults is I tend to believe words rather than actions and I fall hard and fast.

I think the best thing for me is to get my life in order and not worry about love at the moment.  

Years ago, I heard someone say this in an interview and I was floored at why she would say such a thing.  Lady GaGa was being interviewed by Jay Leno--while I was in college--and he asked if she was dating or currently courting anyone.  Her answer was "I don't really worry about things like love anymore."  Hearing this then made me think she was some talented loon who must have been too busy to entertain the idea of a relationship.

Years later she came out with the song "Judas" and she got so much heat for it because it came off as blasphemous.  However, I love Lady GaGa so I'm biased when it comes to her; ergo, I loved the song LOL.  However, her explanation was quite riveting.  She elaborated that the biblical reference rang true to her own life because she had been a quite a few relationships with guys who were gentlemen at first but then betrayed her when she needed them the most.

So now I believe love isn't in the cards for me right now.  I won't object the idea of it, but looking for it is totally out of the question.

I just got inspired to give you a new Word of the Week.

Judasarian (pronounced joo-dis-sar-ee-an): betrayer; faulty person; one who leaves in the hour of need.

Example: "A friend who leaves you alone, in the middle of a fight because they're afraid, is a Judasarian."

Speaking of Judasarians, let me tell you about this guy I met about a week ago.  His name is ZaMorrie.  Yup, that's his real name.  I don't care if he reads this because what he did was incredibly treacherous.  

We were talking for a couple days and we planned on hooking up eventually.  Well this past Saturday night after I got home from work he texts me, drunk, and wanted me to come over to fuck him.  I, being the hornball I am, will hardly turn down any opportunity to have sex with attractive men (soon to be women...shhhh you didn't hear that) decided I would try my best to get over there.  Unfortunately for me, I only had one fare ($2.50) on my Metrocard.

I was in luck though because ZaMorrie told me that he would put me back on the train with no problem.  Duckies, I have never let my house without having a fare to get back home.  Anywho, I get to his place a little after 9 PM and we start watching a marathon of one of my favorite shows, "Guy Code," on MTV2.

Eventually we start making out and I loooooved making out with him because he smokes cigarettes.  I miss the taste of cigarettes on my tongue and having it back in my mouth on top of the pleasure from a kiss was like fireworks.

(Oh for those who don't know I stopped smoking cigarettes about 3 months ago!)

(As of April 1, 2013 at 6:25 PM this is my actual "quitting" progress.")

Moving along, we had sex like twice that night.  I practically fucked his brains out for hours, don't know how I did it, but I did LOL.  He tells me "Omg, that was amazing. Blah-blah-blah," which it was.  I enjoyed myself very much LOL. So we end up talking for a bit and go to bed around 4AM.  We wake up around 11AM entangled in each other's limbs, snuggling.

We get dressed and start heading toward the train station.  When we get past the front gate of his apartment building, he stops and says: "Shit, I forgot my wallet.  I can't help you out without that.  I'll be right back."

I'm like: "Cool.  I'll be down here waiting."

TEN MINUTES LATER...still no ZaMorrie.  Thinking he really can't find his wallet I shoot him a text, jokingly, saying: "Did you just ditch me? LOL."

An additional five minutes past and still no ZaMorrie.

Some dude in a suit comes out of the main door and let's me in because he obviously sees that I'm waiting for someone.  I go up the three flights to ZaMorrie's apartment and ring the doorbell.

I hear movement toward the door and then it stops.  He lives with his sister and I assume she was about to open the door because right before she could turn the handle he says:

"Don't open it!  That's him."

Then I heard the peephole open and close. Then I heard nothing else.

So basically ZaMorrie--I'll be nice enough not to share his last name--turned out to be a great big asshole in disguise.

Luckily for me I was only a good forty-five minutes WALK away from my house, so I made it home safely.  But what if I didn't know how to get home?  He would really use me and ditch me like that, after being such a "gentleman?"  Guys like ZaMorrie give men, gay and straight, a bad name.  Oh and if you're reading this, I don't feel bad now that your ex-husband cheated on you during your 10-year marriage by throwing sex parties with his friends.

Oh no, did I just tell the world that?  Oh well...

In other news, remember that cute dude I was talking to you about who is currently trying to end it with his boyfriend?  Well one of my predictions were right.  The day after I posted about him I had a conversation with him and he told me that after this relationship he's going to enjoy the single life for quite a bit.

Honestly, I don't blame him because being in a relationship is a full-time job.  And with the gay assholes running rampant in New York City (and Atlanta aka gay mecca) true love is a hard thing to come by.  But I'm going to keep on doing what I do best: being fabulous, sassy, and classy.

Speaking of classy, my friend Dave is one-sixth of this awesome band called "The Hunting Party," and they're having a concert this Friday, April 5th, 2013 at 8pm.  Click here to learn more about the band and hear their music and click here to learn more about the event.  

Unfortunately I won't be able to jam with them because my uncle's birthday is this Friday and he never celebrates it...but this year he wants to go to Johnny Utah's.  Plus I don't get off work on Friday until 8pm and I wouldn't wanna miss a minute of The Hunting Party's awesomeness.  Go and check them out this Friday.  You won't be disappointed!

I've spoken enough.  Let's get to some Words of Wisdom.

"Success isn't about where you are now, it's about what you're doing to get what you want later.  Success doesn't happen overnight but when it does it happens because you've paid your dues and you've fought for it.  Don't ever quit dreaming."

Okay my loves, tomorrow is my first official day as a Bridal Registry Consultant.  The last two weeks were just basic training.  Now I finally get to be in my pristine department.  Yay!

I love you for reading.  Have a fabulous week duckies!

-Gabriel Anderson