Wednesday, July 1, 2009

BlackBird is Missing

Good morning duckies. For those of you who follow me on Twitter (and if you don't today's the day to start lol) you may have seen some very dramatic tweets last night. Some duckies think I was fighting with my dear friend Graham last night, but that wasn't the case. Graham and I were trying to send links to each other last night via Twitter and FaceBook. It so happened that it looked like we were fighting because we were tweeting so fast and using direct references (and each others' names) in our tweets. Even though our tweets looked consequential, it was only a coincidence. I was fighting with Nick...not Graham.

Nick and I have had a two-year history and in these two years it looks like we ended up right where we started: our problems revolved around sex. It wasn't the lack of sex--God no--it was our insatiable desires for it. I've made peace with the fact that I'm a nymphomaniac years ago but Nick on the other hand has yet to love that part of himself.

Last night I realized that Nick is a liar. (Yes, I've told my fair share of lies but when it comes to direct questions I tell you the truth, tears and all.) We had this weird relationship where we were technically "together" and wouldn't get too involved with other men: sex was okay but love wasn't acceptable. I called Nick last night and asked him if he had sex recently and his reply was "No." He then asked me the same question and I told him "Yes." I went into detail, telling him the exact day and time while describing everything in vivid images.

Somehow after the story Nick "remembered" that he did have sex last week...which pissed me off. It wasn't just because he sad sex. It was the fact that he lied about not having sex until I confessed to having sex. In addition, it was with one of his friends that he has been habitually-sexually involved with! The thing that angered me the most was this wasn't the first time Nick has lied to me about having sex...and it so happened that he lied about not having sex with the same person he denied having sex with last night.
You simply can't have friends with benefits because it never works. The only benefit you'll get out of such a weird relationship is the benefit of sheer loneliness.

This was the last straw.

I know that I am not easy to love but it's not easy to love someone who doesn't love themselves either. Nick would always joke around saying "Yea, my parents know about us. They love you." and "Oh yea, I read your blog. It's my favorite." I just can't take the lies anymore. I know he was joking around but if you look at those statements closely, you'll know why I'm angry.

I am very open with my sexuality with my parents & friends and I have introduced them to boyfriends in the past. The fact that Nick would lie about something like that didn't hurt me at first but eventually it did. It hurt because I knew in my heart that I would eventually introduce Nick to my parents as my lover. It hurt because I really wanted Nick to read my blog (and not only when I mention him. He only read it when he was in the headlines). Nick basically mocked my true desires with his sick jokes.

I know for a fact that Nick would have never introduced me to his family and/or friends as his lover because Nick is so God-washed that he thinks his own sexuality is a crime. Plus, his family is full of super-Christians and his love for his family would have shadowed his "love" for me.

Come to think of it Nick was a SummerBoy in disguise. We met in the Summer, the beginning of my Sophomore year in college, and we see each other mainly in the Summer. He's basically a SummerBoy with clout...excuse me. A SummerBoy that had clout.

Yes, we had phenomenal times and fantastic sex but that doesn't equate to a healthy relationship, especially if one of the parties isn't taking it as serious as the other. I can't deal with his mockery of our relationship anymore. I'm not always the good guy but I know what's good for me and Nick is anything but a cure.

For the past few months, I have been conceptualizing living a married life with Nick. Now I see that vision was premature and too much to ask.
It's over Nick. I wish you the best in love, life, and happiness.

Duckies, I had to let him go. Even though it's rough to let go of someone you love dearly, you have to remember if you love something that doesn't respect you, you're only welcoming damage into your life.
I hate change when it comes to love but this was a change well deserved. Nick can watch from the sidelines...that's if I even let him close enough to talk to me again.

Anywho, I have a SummerBoy update.

I started talking to this goal-oriented hottie. His name is Joel. He's a good kid. He's 20, has an internship with an LGBT center downtown, incredibly cute, tall (6' 2" to be exact), and he seems level-headed. We're on the "getting to know each other" basis right now but I'll keep you posted. Oh and Joel hates liars...we have something in common lol.

Okay, okay. Let's get to some "Words of Wisdom."

"When making rules remember that you made them. Rules are boundaries created to govern and manipulate peace and control. When implementing rules with different parties, keep in mind that you are the law and others may interpret you--the law--in different ways."

Sadly, I left BlackBird, my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry Storm, at home today.

I think it was a sign from God though. Right before I ended things with Nick he pleaded to have lunch with me today. I kept declining the offer but I know if he sent me lovey-dovey text messages throughout the day, I probably wouldn't be able to function at work. And who passes up free lunch? LOL, I do today because I don't have my phone and I'm better than allowing myself to succumb to the likes of Nick again.
Divine intervention indeed.

Okay, I have to get to work duckies.
I wish you the best of happiness. I love you. Stay tuned and true.

Live, love & Lady Gaga,
Gabriel Anderson